Chase Me

A pretty cute guy came by my office today from ProShred to take away all of our shreddable documents, and on his way by he asked myself and my coworkers, Rachael and Peg, how to get to the other locations he was supposed to visit on property. We drew him a little map and waved him off, but the whole time, Rachael was kicking my chair and giving me her crazy-eye look. "Okay, what the fuck?" I asked, once I knew he was in the elevator and away from hearing range.
"You should have gone with him!" she and Peg screamed.
"Why?"
"You could have gotten his number," Rachael said, "He probably has cute little freckles on his chest."
Yeah, I know, I should have, and I could have gotten his number and seen if there were any cute little freckles, but at this juncture, I'm not risking it. I'm not sticking my neck out again because last time I did, it got slashed open. I hate to think that I am hiding inside of my turtle shell right now just because of one dickhead, but it's true. I don't want to pursue anything right now, and it is completely natural, in my own opinion, for me to want to be the one who is being pursued. The irony is that Mike was, initially, the one who pursued me. He was the one who was heartsick over me because he thought I didn't like him that way, and it was he who stuck his neck out and made the first move. I think that may actually be the reason why I was so hopeful, why I gave my idealism the rein and let myself get pulled away with it. I had not been approached that way since I met Gino and he told me he had a crush on me. The whole time I was sending texts to Mike that went unanswered, and trying to figure out why he would start something he ended up not wanting to finish, I was reassuring myself with the knowledge that he said something first. It doesn't do me any good now, but it is the truth. I wouldn't have put all of my eggs into that basket if he had never said anything. It sounds, even to myself, like I am trying to shirk responsibility for the part I played in the retarded soap opera, but I can't say it enough that I had no fucking idea what was actually going on. When someone tells me something, I believe them. I don't naturally assume that, "I'm not ready to date you because I'm too butt-hurt over my breakup last year, " actually means, "I'm fucking someone else."
I still have a lot of anger over this, but I keep telling myself to be cool, to not embarrass myself because it's not that big a deal. Even when Najwa or Peg or Rachael tell me yes, you are allowed to be angry, and it is a big deal, I downplay it because I don't want to look ridiculous, and being heartbroken over a two-week-long dalliance is pretty ridiculous. It's the same, though, for me, as when you meet a really unique, talented, young person with so much potential, and then seeing them start doing meth or cutting themselves or throwing up after every meal. They had the potential to be truly great, and now all of that greatness is just gone forever, and they are just as fucked-up as everyone else. To me, anything I could have had with Mike, even the great friendship we could have had that is just gone now, is that unique and talented person, and that potential has been obliterated. It saddens me the same way it would sadden me to see someone I have a vested interest in destroying his-or-herself, because this too is out of my control. the most frustrating thing in the world is being told that I cannot do anything to fix a situation, that I just have to accept, and that I could not have prevented it. That feels like being sent into a punch-fight with both hands tied being my back. I can never win, and I had no chance of ever winning.
One good thing that has come out of this is that I was invited, through my self-indulgent rambling and chasing my tail with words, is that I was invited to join Wizpert, and online advice website. This speaks, once again, to my philosophy of why I am so much better at teaching acting to teenagers than i ever was at actual acting: Those who can't do, teach. I can't do love very well right now, but I sure as hell am going to try to teach it.