This week turned out to be one of those weeks where nearly everyone who is in a relationship was putting something about how in love they are on Facebook, and needless to say I was annoyed. It started when my sister and her fiance came upon their first anniversary and I told her she was grossing me out with how much she loves him and then it kept going all the way up to Thursday, when my best friend's husband put yet another thoughtful, lovely observation about how beautiful she is and though I resisted, I really wanted to make fun of him for it. I told a friend from work about both of these incidences and she said, in this little baby-voice of hers, "Yeah, that probably won't last. Just look at what the divorce rate is."
I surprised myself by leaping to defend both of them. My sister who I had just inferred was making me ill with her sentimental posts about how much she loves her husband-to-be and my best friend's husband who I really wanted to mock for how gay he is for his wife. This friend of mine from work has been divorced twice, and she thinks that makes her an expert on marriage. That might make her an expert on failing at marriage, but she is not really a person I would go to for her opinion on what makes them work, or whether or not one is destined to be a success or a failure. Plus, it just kind of pissed me off that she could say something sassy like that about people she doesn't even know. It was hurtful and oddly pointed- like she was hoping their relationships would end badly. It reminded me a little too much of something my former mother-in-law did once while my ex and I were living in her house. I was in the kitchen with her and when my ex walked in the door from work I said, as I always did when I saw him, as most normal-ass wives do, "Hi, honey."
"Hi, honey," his mother said in a terrible imitation of my voice, albeit my voice if I had severe head trauma and a speech impediment, "That shit won't last," she said, walking out of the room.
What really bothered me was the way she said it, like she hoped the lovey-dovey nonsense wouldn't last, like she hoped we would stop loving each other. I attribute this to the fact that her marriage had not exactly worked out the way she wanted it to. Legally, she and her husband were still married and living together, but emotionally, they were divorced. It was enough to make anyone bitter. I don't believe she was happy about it when her son broke our marriage off, but I imagine that a part of her couldn't help but think, "I told ya so."
My co-worker expressing the same type of sentiment rubbed me the wrong way. "Umm, kind of a reductive statement," I told her, "Just because my marriage and your marriage(s) didn't work out doesn't mean everyone else is going to get divorced."
I said this because I am fighting against this bitterness trap that is so easy to fall into. No matter how much going through my own divorce changes me, I will not let it sour me. I will not become some jaded, flippant divorcee who wishes ill upon other people's relationships and quotes this bullshit about divorce rates. Why should I? Everyone else should be happy, I think, and I still believe in marriage. Even if I don't think getting married again is for me, I will continue to have faith in it. On top of that, I can't bear the thought, even though I know it's possible, of my friends' relationships ending. Joking about it is tantamount to joking about any of them dying. It just isn't acceptable. I will make fun of them all day and all night for it, but that is only because I'm jealous. My ex never put something up for all the world to look at about how much he loved me. Maybe if he was the type of person who did, we wouldn't be in this position, both of us alone, neither of us happy but maybe thinking we have an okay shot at figuring out how to be. And maybe if I was more worthy of that kind of thing, he wouldn't have asked me for a divorce. It's hard to say either way. What I do know is that I'm going to continue to be happy for other people, even when I'm annoyed and rolling my eyes and wanting to tell them to cut it out, because I will not shame anyone I love for being in love. I'll leave that to all of the other divorcees.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Stop, Just Stop
I got all cranky the other night because my man-crush was talking to a girl who I arbitrarily decided is my nemesis a few years ago. She said something kind of annoying once and I thought, "Okay, lady, someday I will destroy you."
After that, I didn't see her around, so I basically forgot about it. I guess I didn't really need a nemesis as badly as I thought I did. The part of it that makes it funnier is that I don't even know her name, or anything about her, other than that she's prettier than me and people like her. Oh, and one time she said to her group of friends that they should all learn the dance to Thriller like that was something that had never been done before. And now that the guy I think is really hot was talking to her, I must destroy her and make a lampshade out of her skin. Or I'll just, you know, not do that and move on to something else because I'm not an actual psychopath, and I doubt that would impress him.
My dad asked me, because he is trying to show that he has an interest in my social life, if I have even talked to this guy more than once. "Nope," I said, "Too intimidated. He's too handsome."
"You talked to him that one time, and you weren't too intimidated then, right?" he asked.
"I didn't realize how good-looking he was the first time I talked to him," I said.
"C'mon, he's alright," my dad said, because I had pointed him out to my dad one time when he was in the same place as us, like the pocket-sized stalker I am, "He's not that good-looking."
This felt a little too similar to my ex-husband trying to convince me that the next guy I dated wasn't that attractive. "Not really your area of expertise, Daddy, and whatever, he so is. And I've given up on that anyway. He was talking to my nemesis, so that's a no-go for me," I said.
My dad was not following, as I didn't really expect him to. My father is totally confused by me most of the time. I like it, because I think I kind of amuse him, but sometimes he must find it exhausting, and he looks at me as if he is thinking, "Jesus Christ, just be normal for one fucking second."
After explaining how it is possible to have a nemesis I don't really know, and why I even decided I needed a nemesis in the first place, and my dad just sort of making that dad face that he makes when he realizes he can't argue with his daughter because she is not making a lick of sense, he asked me why that meant that now I had to give up. "I think I've learned by now how to be practical about when I should give up on something, Dad," I said.
"That may be, but you haven't really tried yet, have you?"
This is my father's nice way of pointing out that I am being a total pussy. I hate it when my father says something so obvious, that I want to argue with, but I can't, because he's right. Again. I've convinced myself that I already know the end result, and it won't go my way, so I let that go and move on. I'm not as tenacious as I used to be, and I can't tell if it's a sign of growth or if I'm just being a wimp. I think I know what most people would say, and it wouldn't surprise me to find out that yes, I am just being a wimp.
It should not be this hard to do any of this. I think what is guiding me is a reluctance to look like such a big, dumb asshole ever again. I looked like a big, dumb asshole over my ex-husband, because I focused so hard on him for years and he repaid me for that by asking for a divorce, and I looked like a big, dumb asshole over the next guy I dated because he was seeing someone else the whole time and never told either of us. Trying to kick it with this guy who is too good-looking for me and has prettier girls interested in him would be just another opportunity to look like an even bigger, dumber asshole. That's why I gave up before I even tried.
I also gave up a little too easily when my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I see now. I saw how hard it would be to repair it, how I would never be able to unknow that for a good portion of the year before, he was convinced that he didn't love me. The unfairness of it was too much because I never, even when I thought I hated him, never for a second thought that I didn't love him. Not fighting for it was kind of a weak move, but again, sometimes a weak move is also a practical one. It is impossible to make someone care, or, at least, it is for me. I know it's not the same for everyone. I see couples who have come this close to breaking up but have stayed together because they both realized they loved each other too much to end it. I have also seen couples who have stayed together because one out of the two people just wanted the other to stay so much, and the one who wanted to leave can barely hide their contempt for the other person. I can't imagine living with the knowledge that my spouse wants to leave, and I did not want to spend all of that time convincing my ex that we should stay together because I knew it would just make him hate me.
I was not bound and determined to keep my marriage going because I knew there was no convincing someone as stubborn as my ex that he did love me, and he did want to stay married to me, and what we had was good. I didn't try because I had already been trying, in so many ways, for months, to convince him, and I knew it was not worth it any more. You can only hold something like that together by sheer force of will for so long before it just crumbles.
I've just come around to the conclusion that being single is not the worst thing in the world, but it's going to take me a while to figure out how to stop being so cautious all the time, and just take risks. And maybe wait until my nemesis is not around to try talking to my man-crush, or just try not to notice how handsome he is and how his horrible fashion sense somehow makes him more attractive and wait for someone else to come along, because one person is not the answer to everything. No one can argue with me on that.
After that, I didn't see her around, so I basically forgot about it. I guess I didn't really need a nemesis as badly as I thought I did. The part of it that makes it funnier is that I don't even know her name, or anything about her, other than that she's prettier than me and people like her. Oh, and one time she said to her group of friends that they should all learn the dance to Thriller like that was something that had never been done before. And now that the guy I think is really hot was talking to her, I must destroy her and make a lampshade out of her skin. Or I'll just, you know, not do that and move on to something else because I'm not an actual psychopath, and I doubt that would impress him.
My dad asked me, because he is trying to show that he has an interest in my social life, if I have even talked to this guy more than once. "Nope," I said, "Too intimidated. He's too handsome."
"You talked to him that one time, and you weren't too intimidated then, right?" he asked.
"I didn't realize how good-looking he was the first time I talked to him," I said.
"C'mon, he's alright," my dad said, because I had pointed him out to my dad one time when he was in the same place as us, like the pocket-sized stalker I am, "He's not that good-looking."
This felt a little too similar to my ex-husband trying to convince me that the next guy I dated wasn't that attractive. "Not really your area of expertise, Daddy, and whatever, he so is. And I've given up on that anyway. He was talking to my nemesis, so that's a no-go for me," I said.
My dad was not following, as I didn't really expect him to. My father is totally confused by me most of the time. I like it, because I think I kind of amuse him, but sometimes he must find it exhausting, and he looks at me as if he is thinking, "Jesus Christ, just be normal for one fucking second."
After explaining how it is possible to have a nemesis I don't really know, and why I even decided I needed a nemesis in the first place, and my dad just sort of making that dad face that he makes when he realizes he can't argue with his daughter because she is not making a lick of sense, he asked me why that meant that now I had to give up. "I think I've learned by now how to be practical about when I should give up on something, Dad," I said.
"That may be, but you haven't really tried yet, have you?"
This is my father's nice way of pointing out that I am being a total pussy. I hate it when my father says something so obvious, that I want to argue with, but I can't, because he's right. Again. I've convinced myself that I already know the end result, and it won't go my way, so I let that go and move on. I'm not as tenacious as I used to be, and I can't tell if it's a sign of growth or if I'm just being a wimp. I think I know what most people would say, and it wouldn't surprise me to find out that yes, I am just being a wimp.
It should not be this hard to do any of this. I think what is guiding me is a reluctance to look like such a big, dumb asshole ever again. I looked like a big, dumb asshole over my ex-husband, because I focused so hard on him for years and he repaid me for that by asking for a divorce, and I looked like a big, dumb asshole over the next guy I dated because he was seeing someone else the whole time and never told either of us. Trying to kick it with this guy who is too good-looking for me and has prettier girls interested in him would be just another opportunity to look like an even bigger, dumber asshole. That's why I gave up before I even tried.
I also gave up a little too easily when my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I see now. I saw how hard it would be to repair it, how I would never be able to unknow that for a good portion of the year before, he was convinced that he didn't love me. The unfairness of it was too much because I never, even when I thought I hated him, never for a second thought that I didn't love him. Not fighting for it was kind of a weak move, but again, sometimes a weak move is also a practical one. It is impossible to make someone care, or, at least, it is for me. I know it's not the same for everyone. I see couples who have come this close to breaking up but have stayed together because they both realized they loved each other too much to end it. I have also seen couples who have stayed together because one out of the two people just wanted the other to stay so much, and the one who wanted to leave can barely hide their contempt for the other person. I can't imagine living with the knowledge that my spouse wants to leave, and I did not want to spend all of that time convincing my ex that we should stay together because I knew it would just make him hate me.
I was not bound and determined to keep my marriage going because I knew there was no convincing someone as stubborn as my ex that he did love me, and he did want to stay married to me, and what we had was good. I didn't try because I had already been trying, in so many ways, for months, to convince him, and I knew it was not worth it any more. You can only hold something like that together by sheer force of will for so long before it just crumbles.
I've just come around to the conclusion that being single is not the worst thing in the world, but it's going to take me a while to figure out how to stop being so cautious all the time, and just take risks. And maybe wait until my nemesis is not around to try talking to my man-crush, or just try not to notice how handsome he is and how his horrible fashion sense somehow makes him more attractive and wait for someone else to come along, because one person is not the answer to everything. No one can argue with me on that.
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