Stop, Just Stop

I got all cranky the other night because my man-crush was talking to a girl who I arbitrarily decided is my nemesis a few years ago. She said something kind of annoying once and I thought, "Okay, lady, someday I will destroy you."
After that, I didn't see her around, so I basically forgot about it. I guess I didn't really need a nemesis as badly as I thought I did. The part of it that makes it funnier is that I don't even know her name, or anything about her, other than that she's prettier than me and people like her. Oh, and one time she said to her group of friends that they should all learn the dance to Thriller like that was something that had never been done before. And now that the guy I think is really hot was talking to her, I must destroy her and make a lampshade out of her skin. Or I'll just, you know, not do that and move on to something else because I'm not an actual psychopath, and I doubt that would impress him.
My dad asked me, because he is trying to show that he has an interest in my social life, if I have even talked to this guy more than once. "Nope," I said, "Too intimidated. He's too handsome."
"You talked to him that one time, and you weren't too intimidated then, right?" he asked.
"I didn't realize how good-looking he was the first time I talked to him," I said.
"C'mon, he's alright," my dad said, because I had pointed him out to my dad one time when he was in the same place as us, like the pocket-sized stalker I am, "He's not that good-looking."
This felt a little too similar to my ex-husband trying to convince me that the next guy I dated wasn't that attractive. "Not really your area of expertise, Daddy, and whatever, he so is. And I've given up on that anyway. He was talking to my nemesis, so that's a no-go for me," I said.
My dad was not following, as I didn't really expect him to. My father is totally confused by me most of the time. I like it, because I think I kind of amuse him, but sometimes he must find it exhausting, and he looks at me as if he is thinking, "Jesus Christ, just be normal for one fucking second."
After explaining how it is possible to have a nemesis I don't really know, and why I even decided I needed a nemesis in the first place, and my dad just sort of making that dad face that he makes when he realizes he can't argue with his daughter because she is not making a lick of sense, he asked me why that meant that now I had to give up. "I think I've learned by now how to be practical about when I should give up on something, Dad," I said.
"That may be, but you haven't really tried yet, have you?"
This is my father's nice way of pointing out that I am being a total pussy. I hate it when my father says something so obvious, that I want to argue with, but I can't, because he's right. Again. I've convinced myself that I already know the end result, and it won't go my way, so I let that go and move on. I'm not as tenacious as I used to be, and I can't tell if it's a sign of growth or if I'm just being a wimp. I think I know what most people would say, and it wouldn't surprise me to find out that yes, I am just being a wimp.
It should not be this hard to do any of this. I think what is guiding me is a reluctance to look like such a big, dumb asshole ever again. I looked like a big, dumb asshole over my ex-husband, because I focused so hard on him for years and he repaid me for that by asking for a divorce, and I looked like a big, dumb asshole over the next guy I dated because he was seeing someone else the whole time and never told either of us. Trying to kick it with this guy who is too good-looking for me and has prettier girls interested in him would be just another opportunity to look like an even bigger, dumber asshole. That's why I gave up before I even tried.
I also gave up a little too easily when my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I see now. I saw how hard it would be to repair it, how I would never be able to unknow that for a good portion of the year before, he was convinced that he didn't love me. The unfairness of it was too much because I never, even when I thought I hated him, never for a second thought that I didn't love him. Not fighting for it was kind of a weak move, but again, sometimes a weak move is also a practical one. It is impossible to make someone care, or, at least, it is for me. I know it's not the same for everyone. I see couples who have come this close to breaking up but have stayed together because they both realized they loved each other too much to end it. I have also seen couples who have stayed together because one out of the two people just wanted the other to stay so much, and the one who wanted to leave can barely hide their contempt for the other person. I can't imagine living with the knowledge that my spouse wants to leave, and I did not want to spend all of that time convincing my ex that we should stay together because I knew it would just make him hate me.
I was not bound and determined to keep my marriage going because I knew there was no convincing someone as stubborn as my ex that he did love me, and he did want to stay married to me, and what we had was good. I didn't try because I had already been trying, in so many ways, for months, to convince him, and I knew it was not worth it any more. You can only hold something like that together by sheer force of will for so long before it just crumbles.
I've just come around to the conclusion that being single is not the worst thing in the world, but it's going to take me a while to figure out how to stop being so cautious all the time, and just take risks. And maybe wait until my nemesis is not around to try talking to my man-crush, or just try not to notice how handsome he is and how his horrible fashion sense somehow makes him more attractive and wait for someone else to come along, because one person is not the answer to everything. No one can argue with me on that.