Somebody To Eat Cheese With

We are all just looking for something to look forward to. This is the reason why we start new projects, why we look at the calendar for what is on the horizon, why we agree to go out on dates that are probably a terrible idea. Having something to look forward to is one of the only reasons to get out of bed. I have hurled myself into my NaNoWriMo novel, typing out my allotment of words per day with near total abandon. This is what I look forward to now. This is what keeps me from feeling despondent, from humming a funeral dirge on my way home from a mostly uneventful work day. I have a purpose, even if it is just for me, and only for the month of November.
I am taking the easy way out, admittedly, with my micro-novel, but it is my first attempt, and I am basically using it as one more way to just get everything out, all of the emotions that have come out of having such a rough year. I am stealing from my own life, unabashedly, albeit with names and dates and some other details changed. I am not retelling my breakup exactly as it happened, but it's similar enough.
I was attempting to write the part of the book where my main character gets dumped, and I found it harder to do than I anticipated I would, simply because I couldn't remember much from the night that Gino and I had our conversation. I remember it, of course, but it's foggy, and I don't remember exactly what he said. I've patched it over in my memory, cleaned it up and tried to get it to heal, and now, attempting to reopen it hurts. I gave up after a few attempts, looking at this as an opportunity. Now, I can play it out any way I want. Instead of having her boyfriend come out with a mouthful of mumbly bullshit about being unhappy, I can have him tell her, clearly and concisely, why this needs to happen. Gino didn't give me a definitive reason why we had to break up, but I didn't have the wherewithal, at the time, to really ask him for one.
Working on this has also made me see what options are open to me as a single person. I don't need to fit my writing in between and under and over the time I owe to anyone. I can sit and write for three hours straight and not have a single person try to interrupt me. If I stay busy enough, being alone isn't so bad. I worry, in the back of my mind, what will happen when I run out of projects to work on, but I know that with me, that is not really a possibility unless I get sick of every single one of my interests. I am pretty sure I will always be able to find something else to read, or write, or knit.
The moment came this week when I actually had to say no to Gino for the first time in a long time. I have a hard time saying no to anything he asks because it just isn't in my nature to do so. He asked me for a favor this week, however, that was totally out-of-line for me, and I had to tell him, as gently as I could, that he was asking too much. When I was over at his house for our weekly American Horror Story session, he asked me if I could give him a ride to school the following morning, at 8 am. I said yes, at first, just as an automatic reaction, but then I thought to myself, why the hell am I still doing things like this for him? He doesn't deserve to get favors from me anymore, especially since this does not benefit me in the slightest. The sex and the weekly access to a show I really like are one thing, but getting out of bed that early on my day off just so he doesn't have to wait around for two hours for his class to start? I'm sorry, but, eat me, dude.
I told him it was actually completely inappropriate to ask me to do things like that for him anymore. "You gave up the wife things when you gave me up," I told him.
He nodded and said he, "Yeah, sorry. I had to ask."
"I know you did, honey. That's the difference between you and me," I said.
Every time I say no to Gino, I do feel like I get that much stronger. I've let him have his way at just about every turn, and I know I can't do that for much longer before I just start to lose myself again. He doesn't do it to be malicious, or even because he knows he can get away with it, in my estimation. The answer to why he still asks me for things, even after he turned everything upside-down for me, is because he just doesn't realize how inappropriate that is. I can't get angry with him for that, but I can wise up and not say yes to every silly request that comes out of him. For now, it is sex and American Horror Story and occasional lunches: YES, rides to class at 8 fucking o'clock in the morning: NO.
Gino was my person to eat cheese with for a very long time, for most of my twenties, and that was all I was looking for. I was content to let myself disappear inside of another person and not mess with the formula. Rehashing every single component of our relationship, good and bad, has shown me, clearly, that I can do much better things with my time, not to mention find someone who is a better fit for me. I was married to my best friend for many years, and that was great for me then, but heavy analysis of that time has shown me that maybe I shouldn't be married to my best friend, nor should Gino. I told him as much right before I left his house. "You need to be with someone who is a lot harder on you," I told him, "I kind of let you coast when we were together because I didn't want to push you or nag you."
He agreed with me, although he did add, "I don't know if I want to be with a total hard-ass. What fun would that be?"
I reminded him, gentle as always, that he had fun for seven years, with me. We both had fun. I made him lasagna with six different cheeses and he gave me the giggles almost every day. The problem with that is, marriage is a machine that cannot run exclusively on lasagna and giggles. The machine needs to be fed something more substantial, or it stops running and shuts down. A friendship can run on just about anything. It doesn't need lasagna or giggles, or anything else. The reason why Gino and I are getting along so well is that we don't have to work at it anymore. If I can only get him to stop asking me for favors and shit, it will, hopefully, continue to be effortless.