That's A Wrap

I concluded this year feeling the way I felt for the majority of the year- exhausted, hungry, and a little annoyed with my ex. Instead of going out and getting irritated with the crowds or spending more money than I wanted to, I worked the New Year's Eve party for the guests at the resort, manning the desk as a pit boss for our annual casino night. It was hectic, a little stifling, but all-in-all, it went pretty smoothly, and I got paid more than double what I make per hour at my "real" job to do it. I was also compelled, by my manager, to take all of New Year's Day off because if I worked that day, I would have gone into overtime. So, in the end, I got some extra money in my next paycheck, I got three days off in a row, and I did manage to sneak in one drink with Shauna before the bars closed on New Year's Eve. Can't say fairer than that.
As for Gino, I did get irritated with him for, of course, being himself. He was working New Year's as well, dealing poker, and when he showed up, he immediately started complaining about being hungry because he didn't eat enough that day. Not my problem, I thought to myself, although I have an inability to shut off the side of me that always ends up taking care of this man. Luckily, I didn't have to do much because one of the dining room employees brought out some leftover wraps that were going to be thrown out if we didn't eat them. I called Gino over and pointed them out, and he took one, with a look on his face that made it seem like I had just offered him a big bag of garbage. "These are the only ones they have?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, "But if you're hungry enough, it shouldn't matter."
He took one, still looking unhappy, but he ate it. I finished off half of mine and, trying to be nice and make sure Gino had enough, offered him the other half. This is an old, dying reflex, left over from seven years of learning his habits and, I hate it, but, wanting to make sure he is fed. However much food I ever gave Gino, I would give myself half as much, and then usually give him half of that half when he had finished his. I did this not only for him, but also to control the amount I ended up eating. He started calling himself "The Portion Controller" after a while, because he was the only thing keeping me from weighing 200 pounds. If I was giving him half of my food, I wouldn't end up mindlessly eating it after I was already full. Unchecked, I can eat until I explode, which is why I started training myself to eat smaller amounts until I was satisfied with them. My friends pick on me, but I have a shitty metabolic rate and I have to do something to keep myself at a healthy weight.
When I called out to Gino to see if he wanted the other half of my turkey wrap, he answered, kind of rudely, "No."
It was just a no. Not a no, thank you, or a no, thanks, or anything close to it. I don't know why this bothered me so much, but it did. I suppose it is because I have been trying to rehabilitate him for years, deprogram him out of all the bad manners his family (sorry) taught him. Having bad manners doesn't make them bad people, of course, and this is a judgement on my part, but I have found that it is harder to get people to take you seriously if you skip the pleasantries. Good manners were drilled into my head from a young age, and I would never respond to a kind gesture with anything less than a "no, thank you". My mother was just as blunt and matter-of-fact as Gino's mother is, but she at least taught me how to be polite. What really bothered me must have been that, even after trying, for seven years, to force a little more politeness and consideration into Gino's personality, he's the same. I wasn't trying to change him, exactly, just smooth him over, make him a little more presentable, but he remains just as rough as he always was.
Shauna and I were in charge of counting up the guest's chips and announcing the winners at the end, and then ended up being each other's New Year's hug when midnight struck. Before Gino left, I snuck through the crowd to give him a quick hug and wish him Happy New Year, finding him near the door to the lobby, talking to a guy that works for another department. Gino did something he tends to do when I speak to him in front of someone we work with- he acted like he didn't want to talk to me. When it is just us, of course, he is fully engaged and I actually believe that we are friends. When we are around other people, he acts like King Shit and I am the pain-in-the-ass ex-wife who won't stop hanging off his dick. I should just not play into it at all, or just not let it bother me, but it's a little immature for a 31-year-old to act this way. We aren't in high school. We were married, and now we're something else, and he doesn't have to pretend he wants nothing to do with me anymore just because we are no longer a couple.
I guess I just expect more from him than I really should, given his history. I never learn. I keep wanting Gino to surprise me, show me that he learned anything during our time together, but he hasn't. It's stupid for me to expect it, or even hope for it, because I wasn't his educator, I was his wife. I have to let him be who he is, because that's fine for him to be that way. He might not get very far with his interesting pronunciation and his inability to use common courtesies, but he might not want or need to. My tendency to correct his grammar and try to force him to be more considerate are not things that he probably looks back on fondly. They are just more examples of me being a pain in the ass and not letting him do what he wants. Maybe he will get lucky and meet someone who does not care about any of it, or better yet, has even worse manners than he does. Either way.
I finally got home from work at around 1 AM, so tired I forgot how to go to bed. I sat on my couch, counted up the things I learned this year, weighed them against my mistakes, and figured I broke even on all of it. Then, I did what I usually do, and had a glass of whiskey and finally dragged myself to bed. I don't have a big, concluding statement for this year, because I still haven't figured it out. Then again, just because it's the end of the year, that doesn't automatically endow a person with all manner of sagelike wisdom. I'm closer to figuring out what I need to do to make myself happier, though, so that's something.