Sick In The Head

I had a head cold this week, a sinuses-full-of-concrete, sneezing non-stop, half-tempted to take a power drill to my own nostrils head cold. No cough, no chest congestion, everything in my head. "It's all in my head", I though at one point, and then I laughed that weird, raspy, sick laugh that comes from drinking NyQuil well before bedtime and finding everything suddenly hilarious and kind of squishy around the edges. I was more miserable than I've been in a long time because for one, I haven't had a cold for at least a year and a half, and for another thing, this is the first time I've been sick since I started living alone.
Gino was not perfect, nor was I, but we took care of each other when we were sick. It wasn't a rule we announced or anything, it just kind of became the law between us after a few years. I remember one time, feeling really awful with some kind of stomach bug. Gino was about to leave to go see his best friend, but when he saw me looking so gross, calling to tell him, "Yeah, I can't come over, Liza's sick. She told me I could leave but she just made an adorable sicky noise, so I can't go," and then asked me if I needed more ginger ale.
Most people probably read that and think, "...and?"
The fact that anyone would take care of me, other than my parents who, let's face it, kind of had to, is still amazing to me. It's what I miss. That's what you do when you have made a commitment. It's not just in sickness and in health, it's in accepting the person you love while they look disgusting, while they are vomiting convulsively right in front of you, and not letting them know just how grossed out you are. It's committing to staying home instead of going out while they are passed out in bed, exhausted from being sick as fuck, just in case they need anything from you. Being sick when you're single, even with something that passes pretty quickly, like a cold, is the worst. It's like Valentine's Day had an illegitimate love-child with a wedding you don't have a date for. It makes you feel more alone than anything else, when you have no one around who feels obligated to get you hot water with lemon and put a cold compress on your forehead and tell you to feel better. As I tried to clear my sinuses for the third day in a row with a Neti pot I was convinced had it in for me, I imagined I would give up all of my stupid ideals if anyone was willing to take care of me at that moment. I told myself I would put up with a guy who lied, never picked up after himself and was really, really boring if that person was willing to go to another pharmacy and get me more tissues and then put VapoRub on my back. It was mostly exhaustion talking, but Jesus Christ, it's hard being sick when you are single and have to do these things for yourself. I did an okay job, making myself chicken-coconut soup and ginger tea and all the dumb bullshit I always think I need when I'm ill, but I annoyed myself a lot. I was passing myself tissues and measuring out decongestants for myself, thinking, "Uhh, get over it, you bitch, it's just a cold."
This is just another example of how with others, I am a good caretaker, but I suck when it comes to taking care of myself. This is why I still give Gino so much credit for taking care of me when I was sick for all of the years we were together: Healthy Eliza is annoying enough. Sick Eliza is so fucking emotional and whiny it's amazing my parents didn't drop me down a well and leave me there. I think being sick just made me appreciate my parents and my ex-husband that much more, because if I was this bad just with a cold, imagine how awful I was when I was a little kid, getting strep throat twice a year, every year? Or when I would get a cluster headache at least once a week and Gino couldn't watch hockey at top volume because I could literally see my own brain throbbing? In the future, if I ever do meet someone, I will probably just quarantine myself so they don't have to deal with me when I get sick or have a migraine. It's just safer that way.