Blog Therapy

I was texting back and forth with my friend Gabriel this past week, giving him some advice as he has started his own blogging project, and it wasn't until after I texted him that, "If I hadn't been blogging over that whole year and change after my breakup I wouldn't have known what to do," that I realized I had not posted anything new since the day after Christmas, and before that, the last new blog post was from three months before. In the thickest, murkiest part of my post-breakup depression, I was posting twice a week, and then three times a week when I faced my first romantic let-down. I blogged every single detail of my stupid broken heart and my disappointed vagina to such an extent that I got into trouble. I lost one friend, who I thought was my best friend, and I kind of pissed off another friend who eventually got over it. I shared too much, but I still regret nothing. I did make my ex not want to be friends any longer, and I can't say I wasn't expecting that to happen eventually. We were only going to be friends until I started saying no to him.
I know the fact that I haven't been blogging my fingers down to the bone lately is a good sign. Blogging was what I did instead of therapy, and it paid dividends I can't imagine therapy ever would have. I can actually go back and read through how painful it was, and even though some of the really melodramatic things I said make me roll my eyes now, I got them out. I can visually chart my progress because I recorded everything, every high and low moment, and I am glad that I listened to the friend who told me that starting a blog might be a good idea. It was a useful outlet, albeit an outlet that has closed itself off a little recently.
The truth of why I haven't posted much lately is because of how mundane being single is once you are settled into it. There aren't a ton of big, crazy revelations about it: it's lonely, but not all the time, and every once in a while I get to spend time with someone I really like, and even though I miss him when I don't get to see him, it's fine. I have the typical problems most people have with being alone. Every good thing comes with something I don't particularly like stuck to the back of it like a security tag the store forgot to remove. I like not having to ask anyone's permission to do whatever the actual fuck I want, but I hate having to sleep alone at the end of the day. I still wake up at least once a night and the loneliness of that moment where I realize I am by myself still hurts, more than it should. I like that I can cook what I want, without having to check what anyone else feels like having, but I hate having to portion everything down to just make enough for one person. Being single feels wonderful when you go to a party and don't have to make sure someone else is enjoying it as much as you are every thirty minutes, or when you can take a day trip to New York without notifying anyone, but feels a little horrible when you get home and have no one to talk to.
These are not new things, so I haven't felt the need to catalog every single one of them. The point of therapy is to treat something that isn't working. By making writing my therapy, I treated what was disordered, and now that I don't feel disordered, I'm no longer treating. I know I can always turn to blog therapy again, but right now, I don't feel I have that much to say. It's almost, in its own way, a little bit sad. Realizing that I haven't blogged much of anything felt like realizing that I haven't called a friend I saw almost every day for over a year, and that I just don't need that much any longer. It's tantamount to realizing I haven't spoken to my ex face-to-face in almost a full year, and I used to think I could never go a day without seeing him. The difference between my ex and blogging is, I am certain I will never need him in my life again. Blogging, however, I am pretty sure I will end up coming around to again when I do need it, and when I feel like I do have something to say again.
But definitely check out Gabriel's blogging project because I think everyone should read it:
http://www.squidheadfiles.com/2014/01/no-dj-is-better-than-his-crowd.html