Conversation

Two days ago, for the first time since we separated, my ex-husband and I actually had a conversation. I was coming back from lunch, trying to call my stepmother on my cell, and he was on his way in for his shift. We work in the same place, at the health resort, and have avoided each other only by virtue of the fact that we work in separate departments. I knew this would happen eventually, that we would run into each other and be forced to interact, but I did not know that it would not be horrible. I waved hello to him, asked if he received the information on our taxes I had sent him via Facebook, and he replied no, he had not checked it yet, but he would. I walked up one parking level to meet him and we walked in together, catching up. From the outside, we must have looked like the old friends I am hoping we can still be someday. Later on, when I was telling Mike about the conversation, he asked me why I still wanted to be friends with Gino if he hurt me so badly. He doesn't seem to want to be friends with his ex, who he just broke up with pretty recently as well. I can't explain it, not really, other than that I need for my time with Gino to mean something, to have some lasting significance apart from how bruised and lacerated I feel now. I need to still be friends with him because it means we were not wasting our time for the entirety of our marriage.
There is a slightly unhealthy aspect to my pursuit of Gino's friendship, I realize at the same time. It is my way of atoning for getting him to marry me in the first place. I love too hard and too intensely, I see clearly now, and though I did not "trick" or "con" him into getting married, I did press the issue a little more than I should have just because I really wanted to be his wife. If we can be friends, that means I am not a devious villain to him anymore. Even after all that he has done to hurt me, I am still trying to show him how much I value him as a person.
My immaturity came out slightly when I asked if he was seeing anyone yet. He isn't, as I suspected was the case, but I told him that I was. I'm not, really, but I have been on dates and have been spending alot of time with Mike, and I wanted to show him that he has not destroyed me. Whether it was for his benefit or mine, I am not sure. On the one hand, I wanted to assuage his guilt for what he did, but on the other hand, I want him to feel like a loser just a little tiny bit. It didn't seem to bother him at all, but I didn't really expect it to. "Does he like you alot?" he asked me.
"No, Gino, he can't stand me, that's why we're dating," I answered, just to be flip.
It made him laugh, but when he went on to talk about how the "person he likes" isn't interested in a relationship with him, I started to feel the same way I had in the final months. I knew he was referring to a girl who works in the same place we do, who I actually made dinner for once when she drove him home, and I pitied him for the first time in a while. A number of factors went into the dissolution of our marriage, but he was probably hoping to get involved with this girl as a fringe benefit of it, and she turned him down. A little self-satisfaction crept up in me at this, I have to admit, because I have a great, fun guy to hang out with and he has no one at all. When I was sitting on the couch later, with Mike beside me, I knew it was childish, but I felt even more that my life is headed in the right direction even though I've had to deal with so much rough terrain.
I started thinking today about astrology, and the one obvious factor in my relationship with Gino that just about proves why we could only last as long as we did. I am an Aries who fell in love with another Aries. The reason why it felt like the skies were opening up for the first time when we met is because we are both highly passionate and love with an intensity that doesn't seem possible. The temperature of the room seemed to increase when we met each other. We loved fucking and fighting in equal measure, and once the fucking trickled off, all we had was the fighting. I could never have made it work, no matter how hard I tried, because the foundation of our relationship was built on a fault line. There was always the threat of an earthquake. I saw something fascinating in him, a spark that really caught my eye, and he told me a few times that he had seen a similar spark in me. We had no lack of spark, that is a fact, but what we lacked was an ability to put the fires out once they started blazing out of control. We fought them for seven years, in fact, and now we both have burn scars. Finding someone who compliments me, is not afraid to be affectionate, and doesn't require anything from me feels like a giant cold compress on those old burns. If I can keep myself from making the same mistakes that I made with Gino, and not scare the shit out of anyone by loving so aggressively, I might be able to stay cooled off for a while longer.