Resilience Training

I had a back-and-forth text chat with Mike last night that reassured me in a number of ways. I was worried, after only a week-and-a-half of us spending time with each other, that I was already falling into my bad habits. I love too much, too fast, and with too much emotion all at once, and I was starting to see things get serious before they needed to. He texted me with what started off as an apology for being aloof the day before, then his reasons why he needed to be. I had been dancing around the same feelings as the ones he was expressing to me, but despite all my soul-searching and bullshit, I couldn't say what I meant to say to him. It shook out that we were both in the wrong place to be in a relationship and that we should just be friends for a while, and see what happens in the future. Instead of feeling disappointed by this, I felt relieved.
I had been harboring some concern over this situation since it started, with a text, from him informing me that he had a crush on me. I knew he had a newly-broken heart he was dealing with, but I also knew that I liked him too much to pass up on something with him simply because I wasn't healed from my break-up. I was actually worried that if we weren't clear with each other at all times, one of us would get hurt. We spoke a little about this the last time he came over, when I told him that I liked him alot, and thought he was the best person in the world, and that I wanted to hang out with him all the time, but that what I did not need right now was a boyfriend. I know what I will end up doing if I get too involved with someone at this point, and that is that I will dive headlong into taking care of them and making them feel special, and jump over the part where I take care of myself and make myself feel special. I told him when he left that I would try not to call him because I intentionally had been only seeing him every other day to prevent him from getting tired of me. That must have been what made it click for him- trying not to keep a consistent pattern had only created a different pattern, and now it felt like the pattern had to be addressed.
I told him when he texted me last night that I need time, too, that I am still regrowing my own heart, but that I still think he's the best person in the world and want to be a good friend to him. I told him I can abstain from making out with him if that means I still get to spend time with him, even if that hurts a little. So now I must wait and see, wait for the day that he either says he is ready to have feelings for a woman again or that he can't. I have a feeling, however, that my healing process will take much less time than most people's and that I might end up sitting like patience on a monument, waiting for this person to finish repairing the damage. I am a resilient person, and that is not a boast, that is merely a fact. I am resilient to a fault because I dealt with so much at such a young age, and now I heal at such an accelerated rate, people assume I am ignoring my problems instead of dealing with them. The truth is that when, at the age of 12, your mother passes away of a myocardial infarction, any other loss seems slight by comparison. I was not, by any means, a model mourner in the wake of this tragedy, but I was still a child and I had no skill set for it. I acted out, started self-harming and thankfully, had good parents who put me in therapy. The whole experience set me up more than adequately to deal with the other losses that would come later. I will admit that I never properly addressed the anxiety that landed me in the hospital at 21 years old, but when that happened, I made my mental health my only priority for years. Again, that experience set me up with the tools I needed for further survival. I am not sure if I handled an early-term miscarriage that happened when I was 22 in the best way possible, but as I recall, I cried a little, thanked the gods for not forcing me to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, and moved on. I spoke to the guy who got me pregnant a few times, but never really bothered him again. A few months after that incident, I met Gino, and we all know by now how that ended. I now can say that I feel stronger than ever, more able to understand what I am feeling than I would have if I had gone through this at any other point in my life. Going back to therapy might be something I look into again, but right now I am not sure that I need it. I have the time and the patience to wait for whatever comes next.