Pretty On The Inside

I had another interesting moment with my ex-husband, that gave me a little bit of insight into what our future might look like if we can actually manage to stay friends. I was talking about what sort of dudes I tend to go for, and how my friend Shauna told me, in her slightly bossy way, that I need to stop liking weirdos. "Two weirdos," she said, "Do not make a right."
I was talking to Gino about this, in my usual way, just painting myself into a corner with words and not making much sense, comparing him with Mike and both of them with my big high school crush (another total weirdo) when Gino interrupted me, saying, "He's not that attractive, you know."
I wasn't sure where he was going with this, or where it came from. "Who isn't?" I asked him.
"You know, that Mike guy," he said.
I wasn't even aware that Gino knew what Mike looked like, or how he would know. "Okay, did you Facebook stalk him or something?" I asked.
"No, I met him at a party or something," Gino said, being decidedly vague enough to let me know that he probably did indulge in some innocent Facebook stalking.
I let that go, trying not to laugh at the fact that my ex-husband was throwing some serious shade at a guy I had sex with a fistful of times. "Okay, what exactly are you saying?" I asked.
"I don't know. You are too pretty for him," Gino said, recalling a joke I made months ago.
He was looking away, like the sentiment embarrassed him. I appreciated the fact that he was trying to make me feel better, in his convaluted way. It will always be this way, I thought. Someday, if I get remarried, I want Gino to be there, but I know he will probably be sitting in the audience, trying to figure out if he is taller than my new groom. I can't say I don't understand this inclination, either. I talked a lot of smack about the girl Gino had a crush on towards the end of our marriage, and if he ever gets remarried, I will probably be throwing just as much shade and trying to find a flaw on her to zero in on. I can't, however, say I agreed with his assessment of Mike, and I told him as much. "You don't have to find him attractive," I said, "But it's not even about how good-looking he is, really. There's something else about him. He's, I don't know, magnetic. He'll probably be 60 years old and still able to bring home 24-year-old girls."
Gino frowned at me. "Oh, and I guess I'm not magnetic?" he asked.
I tried to tell him that while he didn't have the exact same quality that Mike does, he has other bits and pieces. When he pressed me on what those are, precisely, I froze up. I tried to come up with something, some example of what he is working with that women respond to, but I drew a complete blank. I felt so guilty for not being able to assuage his fears and build him up like I used to. This is when I knew I would never be able to escape Gino's insecurity. Any compliment I give to another man, even though we are not a couple anymore, is just a compliment I am not giving him. I couldn't think of what made Gino attractive in the first place, what quality he might have that was superior to whatever mix of hoodoo and pheromones Mike is working with. I couldn't even make something up, and I still can't quite figure out if it is because I am still kind of under Mike's spell, or because I don't really see those things in Gino anymore. To me, he is someone I used to love romantically, used to find irresistable, but don't anymore. It's too hard to still love him that way, so I've cut it out of me completely. The irony is not lost on me, of course, that now that we are apart, Gino can find it in him to compliment me the way I wanted him to when we were married, but that I find it so much harder to do. We've been away from each other long enough to lose our old habits, but not all of them. He still expects me to love him the most, it seems, to not find anyone more handsome or interesting than him. I still leap to reassure him of his worth, but the well that held my reserve of nice, loving things to say to him has run dry because I went there too often. I gave him enough votes of confidence for a lifetime, I believe, but he still owes me some. So, I will take the fact that he told me I'm pretty, even if it came wrapped up in a harsh assessment of my choice of man. I'll take what I can get.