Tattoo You

I e-mailed the artist at Redemption Tattoo who will be giving me my squid and whale tattoo this coming January, sending him the cover of They Might Be Giants Apollo 18 because I like the way it is drawn. While I am excited to do this after waiting for months since I made the appointment, I am starting to get apprehensive, because I haven't gotten any new ink since I was 19 and also because I just factored in that I will have to make the drive to Cambridge and back by myself. I didn't really think of that when I made the appointment. I was with Mike when I went out there, and while I'm not scared of driving in Boston, I just don't really like it, especially in winter, and especially if I am alone. He was doing me a favor by letting me tag along, but now I have to drive all the way out there, get drilled for probably two or three hours, and drive back. Whoopee flipping ding.
I can't help but feel the tiniest bit miffed over it. He was, as I said, doing me a favor by bringing me with him, because appointments need to be made in person with a deposit, but I sat there and waited around for three hours while he got his (albeit, really awesome) tattoo, feeling awkward and uncool. I have a complex surrounding body mod artists. I grew up around them, since my sister worked as a body piercer for years, so you would think I would be able to look at these dudes and just think that they are my people, but no, I don't. I go back to being 17, not knowing where to put my hands while sitting on a bench and waiting for time to pass. I get flustered, and unnecessarily apologetic, and I always feel like I'm wearing the wrong clothes. I sat there and waited for him, but he never had any intention of waiting around for me while I got artwork stitched into my skin. He was over me already when we went to Boston to do this, in fact, I just didn't know it yet.
Despite my annoyance and my reservations, I am excited about what my tattoo is going to look like and what it signifies. In my mind, I am that squid, and this past year is the whale, and I am fighting it with everything I have. I have wrapped all of my tentacles around the hurt I have been handed and I am not going to let it win. I was just swimming along, minding my own business, and this year, this divorce, this heartbreak decided to attack me. I feel like I have fought off letting this huge animal of negativity take me down, even if I have felt miserable and like I'm not even close to winning while fighting it.
It is a little bit juvenile to use a tattoo as my declaration of strength and independance. I can just see myself, years from now, still explaining why I got it and trying to justify going through the pain of getting such an obscure picture branded onto my arm. Just the other day, I heard a table full of my co-workers talking about and/or showing off their tattoos in the employee cafeteria, and it took everything I had not to roll my eyes. The tattoos I have, I never show, simply because I've gotten tired of explaining what they mean. They are still important to me, and carry a great deal of significance, but watching someone I barely know struggle to understand what the pair of goldfish tattoos on my belly, or the broadsword on my back signify is just plain annoying. So, I don't show them. I added the tattoos to the list of things that only people I really trust will ever get to see, along with what is on my iPod and my weird big toenail.
I know I am going to end up making the drive alone, probably drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee and listening to a never ending Spotify playlist on my Kindle, while trying to understand the Google Maps app as I navigate outer Boston in January. Then I will drive back, again, by myself, with my arm feeling like just the upper part is sunburned, and I will feel triumphant, and changed, and, unavoidably, a little lonely. This is one thing I can do now without having to consult anyone else, and I like this part of being single. My decisions are mine, good or bad or irresponsible or what-have-you. I own them, just like I will own my awesome tattoo once I get it.