Anger Management

I hit the anger phase in the unavoidable Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief process this week, and I hit it hard. I didn't realize it was possible to be mired in the denial stage for four fucking months, but then again, it is called denial. What I didn't grasp about it until now is that denial can mean a number of things. I was not in denial that my divorce was happening, but I was denying the fact that it affected me as much as it did. My stubborn side comes out at times like this, and I dug my heels in so hard against the pain of being let go that I failed to see that I wasn't moving forward. The elation I felt over not having to answer to anyone, and spending more time with my friends, and exploring new projects, were all more reasons to not admit that Gino has hurt me more than anyone ever has. I held on to how much I loved him and denied that he had done anything to me because I still did not want this to be solely his fault. The urge to forgive him, to let nothing stick to him is ingrained in me, but I feel that time has ended. I might be a pain in the ass, but I was a pain in the ass who was a great wife and friend to him, and I refuse to allow him to paint me as some shrieking, manipulative harpy or whatever the hell he tells people I am.
Anger is a hard emotion to control. I held back on feeling angry for so long because I don't want anyone to think of me as an "angry woman". Angry women are scary. Louis C.K. once made a joke about why "Girls Gone Wild" could never be "Women Gone Wild" because when women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in the bathtub. I am working overtime now trying to focus it, to focus all of the anger I am feeling on the person who deserves it so that I don't take out all of my feelings on everyone I meet. It is so much easier to assume that right now, anything that pisses me off is due to being chucked out and not to what is happening right in front of me. I know, for example, that one of my co-workers annoys the fuck out of me with the way that he reads his e-mails to himself under his breath, but I also know that I don't normally want to stab him in the neck just because he's doing that. I know this will pass, but I can't escape feeling impatient. I'm also wondering why my daydreams have to be so violent.
I went to the gym on my lunch break yesterday, and then went to the employee cafe to grab food before heading back to my desk. I saw Gino sitting by the window, facing away from me, and I was torn between two very strong desires. One half of me wanted to go say hi, keep making steps toward the friendship I have been trying to keep alive with him, and the other half of me wanted to punch him in the head. I couldn't do either of those things, so I sat down and ate my soup, entertaining daydreams of giving him an old-school beat-down. That is the habit I cannot break out of- I can keep myself from acting on these impulses, but I can't stop myself from having them. Still, there is no harm in having a fantasy, so I sat there, imagining putting on tennis shoes and covering my face with Vaseline and just going straight 'hood on his ass, even though that's not really me. I like to pretend it is, though. I like to pretend that I am that unpredictable, that I might just throw an elbow right into his jaw. I used to joke that Gino was afraid of me, but the joke only worked because I knew it wasn't true. My bossiness, my confidence with the outside world is not the way I behaved in my marriage. This all ties back into the needless subservience that Tony remarked upon. I let Gino be in charge of all of the major decisions, much to my own detriment.
I have taken to running again, the whole time listening to all of the angry music I have on my iPod, trying to exorcise the angry energy from my body. It helps, but it doesn't do enough. What would help is if I felt in control of one corner of my life, if there was just one tiny area that I felt I was wholly in charge of. I don't even feel in control of my living situation, due to my noisy neighbors, the skunk that wanders by when I am taking out the garbage, not to mention the woodchucks that really seem like they are staring at me when they scurry through my yard. Every day I try not to be overwhelmed by the growing list of things that are out of my control, but when I am, I try to just throw my hands up and say fuck it. I need to tell myself that it is okay that I cannot engineer every aspect of my life to go as planned, that chaos controls more of it than most of us know and it will all fall into some kind of order in the end. I still don't like it, though, and I still want to give my ex a black eye and a fat lip.