Lower Than Low

I was actually sent home from work today, and it wasn't because I was sick, it was because my co-worker friend Christina took one look at me and said, "I have never seen you look this sad."
I resisted at first, but then let her convince me to go home once she pointed out that I looked like I was about to cry. I will do just about anything to avoid crying at work, even if it means slinking out saying that I'm sick when I'm really just pitiful. I have not missed a single day of work so far in this process, but  guess I reached my limit this week.
This week has been the worst so far just because I keep hitting a brick wall every which way I turn. I got Gino to agree to pay me back some money that he owes me, but not agree to a time or place to give it to me. I have so little money I tried to sell my wedding band and was told it was only worth 45 dollars in gold content, so I just decided to keep it. I have been waiting around for Mike to decide he can see me, only to have him tell me yesterday that his on-again, off-again thing with another woman is back on. It's all just too much for one tiny white girl to take. I am done pretending that nothing gets to me, that I'm the Teflon Don, that I can get through this without visibly showing any strain. The thing with Mike is just another thing at this point, another disappointment to add to the pile.
I think what is bothering me most about finding out the whole truth about Mike is that I trusted him, and now I am just not sure why I did that at all. He never lied to me exactly, but he never told me the entire truth, either. I remember him alluding to this other person, vaguely, and only at the very beginning. During all of the time we spent together, brief as it was, he never brought her up. I convinced myself that we were both holding off, that maybe he would be my prize at the end of this if I could be patient, but that was just a bedtime story I told myself. He did tell me that the future was open, but he was too fucked up at the moment to go there. I took that at face value and held on to the hope of something more, just like the dumb girl I am, but I had no idea he had other irons in the fire. If he had told me that, I probably would have felt differently. I wouldn't have shown up at his house every time he told me he wanted to see me and I definitely would have set some parameters of my own. I would have had all of the information and I would have known what I was dealing with. He obviously didn't think I was worth the effort of cluing me in. It's embarrassing when you realize you can be conned so easily.
Not having money makes all of my problems seem so much larger than they really are. It is hard to tell yourself that everything will be okay when you have no heat because you owe the gas company more money than you have and they won't connect you. It is hard to even begin assessing your personal life when you are eating the same thing for the fifth day in a row because you can't buy groceries until next pay day. It is also hard to deal with Gino's inherent flakiness when the money he owes me could actually keep me afloat for the next week. I can't be tougher with him than I already am because he is too good at playing on my guilt. I try to be a hard-ass and give up immediately when he cries poor because I feel bad for him.
Not being able to get more than what I was offered for my ring really made all of these little indignities burn a little hotter. Mike doesn't respect me enough to tell me that this other thing with this other girl is ongoing, Gino doesn't respect me enough to pay me what he owes me, and a gold and silver place doesn't respect me enough to give me a decent price for one of the only valuable things I have left. I get to this point where I realize that the only constant here is me. I may not be getting the respect I deserve because I don't demand that anyone respect me, because I believe that I deserve to be treated like this.
I really did set myself up for this turn of events with Mike. I have been trying so hard to not admit to feeling anything for him, to convincing myself that I was fine with the way he told me it had to be, protecting my stupid heart while the entire time, I should have been worrying about my neck. I had both hands over my chest, guarding my heart, and now my neck has been slashed wide open. I feel drained, like I've just pushed a giant rock halfway up a hill only to see it roll all the way down to the bottom because I got distracted. The Sisyphus of Berkshire County will now resume her pointless task. How Liza Got Her Grieve Back.
What makes me angry is that I can lie to myself so easily when I cannot lie to other people. When I try to tell a lie, it is written all over my face. I can lie to myself, though. That has become clear. I told myself I wouldn't do this, that I wouldn't get involved with anyone until I felt healed from my divorce. That commitment lasted all the way until I felt a little bit lonely and Mike sent me that cowardly little text message that told me he liked me. He liked me enough to have me around while this other girl might be pregnant with his baby, I learned eventually. I told myself that I wasn't taking things with Mike too seriously, that I could keep things in perspective. That lasted up until I slept in his bed for the first time and really liked how that felt. I also told myself, and him, that I could just be his friend, that I could see him without liking him and wanting to kiss his face. I was still drunk on the hope, though, the hope that I was just doing my due diligence and that my loyalty and patience would pay off eventually. I knew I was doing everything wrong, but I didn't want to give up on ever seeing him, even if seeing him stings a little. Now, I'm not sure I can see him at all because I know everything now, and I know he is not looking at me and thinking that I am this awesome girl he just can't be with right now, the way I look at him and think that he is this great guy that I just can't be with right now. I don't know what he thinks when he looks at me, and I hate feeling that way about someone else so soon after Gino ripped me to shreds. It's not comfortable and it doesn't feel nice. It feels like the world just won't stop testing me right now, and I am wondering when I can just hand in my answers, get my results, and assess how poorly I did so that I can try to do better next time.